


Dear God, I Was Terribly Lost

by ALittleLess27Candles



Series: Transgender Dysphoria [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, trans boy, trans patrick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALittleLess27Candles/pseuds/ALittleLess27Candles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“H-hey, good morning.” Patrick breathed, meeting his mother's eyes and watching her stutter and look for the right words to ask the inevitable question hanging between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is like a prequel for If You Need A Friend, Then Please Just Say The Word.
> 
> It's the story of him coming out to both Pete and his mom, and I might continue this AU again, I find it kind of therapeutic, but we'll see where it takes me.
> 
> Title credit: Galaxies by Owl City

“Breakfast, sweetie!” Patricia called up the stairs, her son freezing in front of the mirror and trying to swallow the bile he felt rising in his stomach.

“Coming mom, give me a second!” He took one more look at himself and ran a hand through his hair, his teeth digging into the flesh of his lip as a few loose pieces stuck between his fingers.

He'd stolen his mother's sewing scissors last night on a whim, cutting off almost all of his long, honey blonde hair till it was short but a bit choppy. He regretted the decision almost immediately after when he realized he had no choice but to come out, unless he could think of a convincing lie as to why he would do such a thing.

The seventeen year old pulled on a baggy shirt and some jeans before making his way down the stairs, dragging it out so he wouldn't have to face his mother.

“H-hey, good morning.” Patrick breathed, meeting his mom's eyes and watching her stutter and look for the right words to ask the inevitable question hanging between them.

“Baby, what happened to your pretty hair..?” She hesitated before stepping towards him to get a better look. Her fingers pulled the strands gently, noticing the different lengths of all the pieces. “Did you do this..? You could have asked for me to take you to a hairdresser, we could have saved up a bit for an appointment…”

Patrick's heart started pounding against his chest, Patricia taking notice and pulling him into a hug.

“Hey, hey, calm down, sweetie… What's wrong?”

Failing at trying to find the right words to tell her, he let out a soft sob instead and clung onto her shirt like a lifeline. His chest felt like caving in, his breathing getting heavier as well.

“I n-need to tell you something, p-please don't get mad at me-” his voice caught.

“I would never, what's going on, are you in trouble?”

Patrick shook his head quickly. “N-not trouble…” He mumbled into the soft fabric and pulled away slightly so he could talk to her properly without having too much of an urge to hide his face in her chest again. “Just… Me…?”

Patricia cocked an eyebrow before taking his hand and rubbing her thumb over it gently. “Hey, let's sit down in the Living Room and talk, would that be more comfortable for you?” Her son nodded slightly, taking a deep breath. “Come on, then.”

They made their way into the small Living room filled with second generation furniture and VCR sitting in front of it all. It was all older and worn, but it was their home, and Patrick knew his mom did all she could to give him a nice life despite his father leaving when he was still young. She always was supportive and saved for as many guitar, piano, and trumpet lessons as she could, and after getting into high school, Patrick was more than happy to join the school band and let his mother save up for something a lot more urgent such as the bills piling up that she was barely able to keep up with anymore.

They both sat together on the dated loveseat his grandmother had given them, the older woman keeping her hand safely on patrick's knee and patting it comfortingly. 

“Are you ready to say, or do you need a little time?” She kept her voice soft as she met the younger’s eyes.

“I th-think I can say.” His voice cracked before he cleared his throat and sat up. “I-it's not like i’ve known for very long or anything, but I've thought a-about it for a really long time now…” He hiccuped softly, putting a break in his explanation. “L-like how all the girls my age are trying to show off by w-wearing what they want now without their parents getting angry… They can wear shorts, heels, th-things that make them bigger and feel better about themselves, y’know…?” His mother nodded softly and smiled softly despite the tired wrinkles lining her eyes.

“I do, do you want to save up and get something that you feel more comfortable wearing, sweetheart? It’ll have to be a paycheck or two from now, but we can see what we can do, maybe some of my old heels will fit you.”

“N-no, don't worry, mom… That's not where I'm going with this…” Patrick laughed lightly, smiling at her. “I like the clothes I have now, and d-don't really wanna dress up… Kind of the o-opposite, really…I'm just…” Patricia waited patiently, taking his hand again in the one that wasn't currently holding onto his knee. 

“Take your time, don't rush.”

“Mom, I'm a boy.”

There was a long, deafening silence between them, threatening to shatter Patrick’s heart as he tried to read his mother's expression. She just continued to sit there, seemingly trying to process what her child had just told her. 

Patrick was about ready to stand up and run to his room for comfort, thinking of anyone he could possibly look for support in right now before he realized his mother had finally spoken.

“Wh-what?”

“I asked you if you wanted me to call you something else, then. Did you have another name in mind, or one that you use?”

Patrick's heart almost stopped, and he could feel his eyes start to water. His head felt heavy as he nodded softly and took in that his mother was okay with this, that she was actually okay with her son being, well, her son.

“What name would that be, baby?”

“P-p-Patrick, please?” He started to shake, tears finally spilling over from pure joy as his mother opened her arms for him. 

“Of course. You can be my Patrick now, alright?” Her son nodded and she smiled wider as he practically fell into her arms and turned into a sobbing mess. “Shh, calm down. Everything's all good now and you don't have to worry. Is there anything cheap we could get to make it easier for you?”

He sniffled and laughed softly, once again finding himself clinging to Patricia's shirt. “M-maybe some boxers and s-sports bras?”

“Sure, Patrick.” He couldn't help but cry harder at the name. “We'll make time this weekend to stop by the store and find some you like. After breakfast, if you bring me back my scissors, I'll even fix your hair all up as best as I can, okay?”

“O-okay, mom,” he whispered softly, trying to calm himself down.

“Does Pete know yet?”

“N-no, you're the only one, but I th-think I'm gonna tell him soon… Do you think he'll still want to b-be my boyfriend?”

“If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve such a handsome, smart, amazing boy anyways. C’mon, let's go reheat everything and eat before we get too far ahead of ourselves. Ready to eat?”

He nodded briefly. “Mhm, ready to eat.”


	2. Sometimes, Things Just Don't Work Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I d-don’t want him to hate me- I love him so much-” His voice cracked and shook, his mother just nodding in understanding.
> 
> “Give him time…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, sorry it took so long to get it up, I finally found the motivation to write this part.
> 
> If you haven't already read "If You Need A Friend, Then Please Just Say The Word", this is the prequel to that, and you can find out what happens next in it. 
> 
> Not the happiest ending here, but things start looking up in the sequel, and I may also add a few chapters to that one.

It had been a week since Patrick had decided to come out to his mom. 

Granted, she had been sweet and supportive through the whole ordeal, but that doesn’t mean his nerves were any less present than they had been the few days prior.

At the moment, Patrick was sitting on his bed, waiting for Pete to come over like they had planned over the phone. He knew he’d been acting weird enough to make his boyfriend grow suspicious, but hopefully coming out as Pete’s boyfriend rather than girlfriend would explain enough on it’s own.

Patrick’s mom had actually been the one to push him enough to tell Pete in the first place. The idea, when first mentioned, had scared the hell out of patrick. Who knows how he would react to something like that? Patrick didn’t even know if Pete liked boys! Patricia was persistent though, and after about three and a half days of pushing, he finally agreed to come out, and if needed, explain in a bit more depth about how he knew he was trans.

The doorbell finally rang, and Patrick almost tripped over himself to get to the door before his mom could get there, and he skid to a stop at the landing at the bottom of the stairs. Pulling the door open, he tried to catch his breath and keep his asthma at bay as Pete smiled his crooked smile.

“Hey, Pattycakes. Since when do you- What the fuck happened to your hair?” Pete didn’t even try not to swear as he took in Patrick’s short hair. 

“N-Nothing? I just… wanted it short…?” Pete shrugged and hummed. 

“Whatever you like, I think it looks pretty cool, though.”

Pete stepped in without Patrick’s permission, not that he would have argued with his boyfriend anyways, and followed Patrick’s instructions to follow him to his bedroom.

Stepping in, Patrick realized he hadn’t cleaned up very well, and the new setup of things might lead Pete to question even further about what he was up to.

Patricia, as a surprise, decided to find all of her eldest son’s old furniture and bed set to redecorate and make Patrick feel a bit more comfortable in his own room, let alone home. If not there, where else would he feel safe?

She she had peeled off the childish pink and purple comforter and replaced it with a red and grey plaid one. Next came the soft grey toned side table and dresser, which were closer to the bed’s scheme than the off-white-pinkish paint that had adorned the previous ones. His curtains, pillows, and a few other things had also been either changed out or cleaned up. That included taking down all the old feminine posters and old pictures of him, as to avoid dysphoria at all costs.

Needless to say, Patrick himself was shocked, so he could understand if Pete would be, too.

“Damn, I don’t come over for a few days and you change everything. Was that why you were acting weird?” Patrick shook his head and Pete shrugged before planting himself on the small twin bed. “How come, then? You know we don’t keep secrets.”

“I know…” He sighed softly, suddenly aware of how much more confined his chest was and he started to worry that Pete already knew. If he did, why was he not asking about it? Is he just waiting for Patrick to say it to get it out of the way? Or did he just want to hear it outloud so he could break up with him? Patrick swallowed hard as his stomach twisted and bubbled with anxiety.

“Then tell me,” Pete pushed, cocking an eyebrow and patting the bed so he was sitting as well. Patrick took the offer, sitting as close to the edge of the bed as he could without falling onto his ass on the carpet.

“S-so you know how some people don’t feel comfortable in their bodies..?”

“Babe..” Pete gave him a sympathetic look. “I told you, I don’t care what other girls look like, I don’t care if your self-esteem is low, I love you, remember?”

Patrick choked on a short, forced laugh. “I k-know, but that’s not what I’m talking about..” The elder cocked an eyebrow and sat up a bit straighter. “L-like.. Not uncomfortable in their bodies where you wanna look more th-thin or your hair to be longer or to know how to do makeup like some of the girls from school, uncomfortable like… You wanna change it to fit you..?”

Pete still looked lost as he stared. “Patricia, I honest to god have no fucking idea what you mean.” Patrick tried not to flinch at his flat tone.

“Fine.. How about… Like… LGBTQ? Lesbian, gay, b-bisexual, transgender…” He trailed off after that, his voice getting quieter and quieter as he spoke.

“You’re a lesbian, into dudes and chicks? What? I don’t care if you like pussy, but are you breaking up with me, too?”

Patrick let out a frustrated groan and shook his head. “N-no! I’m a b-boy! I’m trans, Pete!” His voice broke and he clenched his fists, turning now to fully face Pete and the look of shock on his face. His stomach sunk down and he felt like he was going to puke or pass out. Fuck, he felt like he’d crossed a line that they’d never even set boundaries for, neither of them yelled, especially not softspoken Patrick.

“Trans? Like, you want a dick?” Patrick tried not to hit Pete just for phrasing it like that, but he took a deep breath and pushed his hair back. 

“I-I guess? I don’t know, not just that, I want a flat chest, I want to be able to go out without a shirt, and for god’s sake, I don’t want to be Patricia anymore. That’s my mom, not me.”

Pete stared blankly again and watched him carefully. “Well what do I call you then?”

“Patrick.” He said simply.

“Patrick.” Pete repeated, testing it out and chewing his lip as he crossed his arms and thought through it all. Patrick couldn’t blame him, it was a pretty big change, but he didn’t know what he’d do if it turned out his boyfriend was transphobic. His mother and him were already trying to think of something to tell his teachers next school year, he didn’t need the weight of a breakup on his back as well.

After the few moments of deafening silence, Pete finally cleared his throat. “So, like… You’d want to be my boyfriend instead..?” Patrick nodded slowly. “Okay, I guess… My boyfriend is Patrick Stumph then?” Another short nod and he let out a heavy sigh. “Okay, well…” 

After three or four hours of questions and concerns, there was another long silence. Some of the things Pete asked, Patrick wasn’t even sure of himself, and others, like some about his body and having sex, he just refused to answer entirely. Knowing Pete, though, they’d just end up coming back to the topic anyways. Most of them, though, were answered and taken care of, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable he felt explaining them. He even had to go into the details of top and bottom surgery and both boys were quite shaken after Pete had searched it and they watched a video of the surgery together. After that, Pete decided he was informed enough on that topic.

Dale, Pete’s mother, soon called Pete and told him dinner would be ready soon and that he was already about a half an hour late. They quickly exchanged an awkward hug and half-assed promises to messege each other later that night.

The honey haired boy curled up on his bed afterwards, having his fill of awkward conversations for the night. It didn’t take long after Pete left for Patricia to take his place on Patrick’s bed as she soothed his hair down the palm of her hand. 

“How did it go, sweetheart?” He shrugged and his mother sighed. “Just give him some time to take it all in, alright? Messege him if you really need him, but till then, just let it all play out.”

Patrick nodded softly, curling into her side as she moved to rub his back lightly. Not long after, she could hear soft sobs and felt him shaking a small bit. She tried to quiet him down, pulling him up so he was resting his head on her shoulder rather than her thigh. 

“I d-don’t want him to hate me- I love him so much-” His voice cracked and shook, his mother just nodding in understanding.

“Give him time…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing to do with the story, and not sure if anyone cares, but if you do, the reason I'm finally starting to feel better emotionally, is probably that I got my first boyfriend, and he's the most supportive, handsome, amazing boy on this earth, and I'm so glad we met each other this summer.
> 
> Hope you liked the story?
> 
> Chapter Name Credit: Jim Bogart by The Front Bottoms


End file.
